When it Rains, it Pours
by Ella.Rose.x
Summary: Chrestomanci really should have know something big was about to happen. Maybe the greeneyed man and gingerhaired woman who just came crashing into his drawing room can clue him in. [The ultimate Diana Wynne Jones crossover]
1. Chapter 1

When it Rains, it Pours

**AN: **Well, it starts. This is my first story, so don't go easy on me. For my full reviewing policy, check my profile, but please know that while a adore constructive criticism and will take into careful consideration any changes that are suggested, I can't guaruntee that I'll agree with you on everything. So if their's something you don't like, feel free to tell me, but if I don't agree with you, I'm not changing it.

This goes out to Iolanthe 8, who sent me a really nice review response, is also just starting her own D. W. J. fic, and is of the same mind, it seems, as far as this section goes.

* * *

Chrestomanci should have known the day would be unusual when it started out with Cat leaving the castle to visit Irene and Jason. It seemed that lately, whenever the young enchanter wasn't around, something would happen in which he needed his heir, and his special brand of magic, the most. Like the incident with the Farleighs. 

However, as in all the other instances, he was blissfully unaware of the impending disturbance; probably because everything was perfectly normal right through breakfast, and continued to be during lunch and the first thirteen minutes of tea-time (of course it would be thirteen). But that was the limit.

The family—Chrestomanci, Millie, Roger, Janet, and Julia—was all settled serenely on various sofas and armchairs, nibbling on finger sandwiches and sipping tea, the peaceful scene peppered here and there with conversation. Chrestomanci was just about to remark how nice it was to have at least _most_ of them all together at one time, when there was an almighty _clap!_ and an oddly, if impeccably, dressed man and a ginger-haired woman appeared in their drawing room.

Anything they might have said (though they probably wouldn't have said anything—they were all too shocked) was cut off when the ginger-haired woman whirled on the impeccably dressed man. "Howl! How could you do that?" she near-shrieked, a little breathlessly.

The man gave her a lopsided grin. "With great difficulty, Sophie dear." The woman, Sophie, opened her mouth to retort, but gave instead a small gasp and caught Howl as his knees buckled. "Are you alright?" she asked concernedly.

"I'm fine, just a little exhausted," he replied, waving her off nonchalantly. "That's only the second time I've done that in my life, and the first time there was already a door."

"Are we in Wales?"

"Actually—"

"Excuse me," Chrestomanci chose that moment to regain control of the situation and his drawing room, giving the two interlopers his vaguest look and looming over them rather. "Not to be too much trouble, but may I enquire as to what you two are doing in my drawing room?" He used his driest tones, and made a mental note to check and double-check the castle wards; they obviously weren't working very well.

Howl rose, running a hair through his slightly mussed golden locks so they were now _becomingly_ mussed, and bowed gracefully. "Howl Jenkins, Royal Wizard of Ingary, and wife Sophie Jenkins," here he extended a hand to his spouse, who took it and rose, giving the occupants of the room a shaky curtsy.

"We're terribly sorry to have burst in like this," she said, blushing slightly. "But—" she paused, and it was obvious on her face that apologies were the last thing on her mind at the moment.

"It's a long story," Howl supplied, "But suffice it to say that someone was after us, and we needed to get away fast. I really didn't mean to transport right in the middle of your tea. I'd leave you in peace, but world-hopping isn't something I do often, so I'm afraid I'll need some time to recover."

"Howl." Sophie drew him aside this time, and spoke in low tones. A quick listening spell fixed that for Chrestomanci, and a glance at Millie told him she was doing the same.

"Howl, what about Morgan? The finding spell." Her voice shook slightly.

"Wasn't working," Howl said shortly. "And it wouldn't have worked, no matter how much time we spent on it."

Sophie gave a small strangled sob. Howl looked in horror at his wife's bowed head for a moment before sweeping her up into his arms, murmuring soothing words punctuated with what sounded like Welsh. "Shh, shh, _caraid_, I only mean _that_ particular finding spell wasn't working. We'll keep trying; I for one won't give up until I have the little terror back in my arms. Will you?"

She gave a little hiccup and shook her head. "No, no I won't. It's just… first Lettie and Ben, and now Morgan. Something terrible is happening, and I feel like I can't do anything but watch. Ben's a powerful wizard, and so is Lettie, and they couldn't do anything."

"Pish and posh," Howl said firmly. "They were just caught by surprise. So were we. But that won't happen again."

"Howl, what if the finding spell isn't working because—"

"That's not it," he said sharply, unconsciously tightening his grip on her. "We would know. We would know," he repeated more softly, as if convincing himself now. There was a pause as the two held each other in silence. "On the bright side," Howl said finally, "the king can't summon me from here."

"Which means you won't be hogging the bathroom," Sophie replied with a small laugh.

They turned back to the others, who quickly shuffled their teacups and pretended they hadn't noticed the private conversation. Chrestomanci looked very vague.

"So," Janet said, clearing her throat and a place on the sofa (which Howl took with a grateful smile, seating his wife on his lap), "Mr. Jenkins—"

"Oh _please_ don't call me that," Howl interjected in horror. "It's Howl. You'll make me feel like my father."

"Howl," Janet amended, giving a shy smile. "Which world are you from?"

"Ah." He paused, accepting a cup of tea from Millie. "Ingary? Which world is this?"

"Twelve A," Chrestomanci supplied indifferently. "You're in Chrestomanci Castle, if you care to know."

"There's an interesting name for a country," Howl said brightly. "I'm afraid our introductions were cut short—you are?"

"Chrestomanci, the nine-lived enchanter."

Howl's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and he eyed the man across from him shrewdly. "You don't say? That must be useful. And you others are?"

"My wife Millie, my children Roger and Julia, and one of my charges, Janet."

"How do you do," Howl said, smiling charmingly. Janet and Julia both gave little sighs, and Julia whispered, "Such a shame," glancing at the ring on his finger.

"You said someone was after you?" Chrestomanci said, casting the girls a dry glance. "Do you know who?"

Howl shrugged. "Someone powerful. Powerful enough to kidnap a royal wizard and his wife, who also had significant magical talents."

"And how did you know they were coming?"

"I'd set up wards around the house. They had come once before, and taken—" here he drew Sophie closer—"my son, Morgan. We were attempting to track him when they came again. We barely had warning; hence our awkward entrance."

"You say you're a wizard," Sophie said. "Maybe you can help us."

"Sophie dear, I don't think we need to bother the nice people with our business." Howl used his most pleasant tones, by which she knew he was very annoyed, which of course only made her more determined to enlist their help.

"Actually it is my business," said Chrestomanci. "I hold a government position in this world to keep track of any and all magical disturbances. Everywhere."

Howl was becoming visibly irritated, and seemed about to say something, when there was a clanging of the castle wards, and the air by the hearth shimmered. A great roaring wind rose out of nowhere, throwing everyone and everything about; someone shouted, and Chrestomanci was about to call on his magic when it stopped at quickly as it had come.

The area by the hearth was normal, as was the rest of the room, unless you counted scattered cutlery and broken crockery, or Howl sprawled on the floor holding his nose and staring at the hearth in shock, and the blatant absence of Sophie Jenkins.

* * *

**AN:** I think the dialogue is pretty bad in this chapter, but I'm not sure. I always have to remove myself from my writing for a bit to be sure of it's flaws, but I'm too impatient for that. I should probably go and re-read The Pinhoe Egg and Howl's Moving Castle to get myself in the flow of how they talk. What do you think? 

You may already be able to guess what I have planned here, at least somewhat. Have fun trying to figure it out if you don't ;).

Oh, and if anyone knows a place where I can find a good Welsh-to-English dictionary or translator or something, it would much appreciated if you'd clue me in.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**: Well, here's chapter 2. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you: Angsty Howl! Don't worry if he gets too over-dramatic for you, he won't be sticking around _too_ long.

Many, many thanks to my first five reviewers, laal ratty, the-rainbow-dreamer, Araminta18, Iolanthe 8, and toasty fresh (who sent me my first piece of constructive criticism, and is the reason this chapter wasn't out earlier. I hope this chappy shows a marked improvement for you, toasty fresh). Chapter 2 is for you guys.

As before, review and tell me what's wrong with it ;).

And I forgot to add last time--**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own any of this but the strange pathetic plot. Please don't sue me, and forgive me for not mentioning it before (though I think you already knew all this).

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Chapter 2: In Which Howl Has Trouble Being Heart-full

Cat blinked at the whirlwind of activity dashing before him with only half as much consternation as he would have a year ago. His hand was still on the doorknob, and no one told him to come in and shut the door already, which told him it was definitely something serious. Miss Bessemer rushed by in a flurry of dark skirts, saying, "_Right through_ the castle wards. It's disgraceful!", and he thought he saw Mr. Roberts striding around the sidelines, deep in conversation with Chrestomanci. Roger waved to him perfunctorily and went back to an animated discussion with Joe Pinhoe. The others (Millie, Julia, Janet) were nowhere he could see.

Klartch bumped against his knees and gave him a look saying, "Are you going to stand there all day or find out what's going on?" and arched his tawny crest. The young griffin was progressing beautifully in his speech, but he found that body language often communicated much better than his limited vocabulary could. Cat nodded in agreement, stepping inside and closing the door a little more loudly than was necessary. When he was still ignored, he set about looking for the only person he could trust to be absolutely sane in a crisis like this (unless of course, it involved Chrestomanci himself).

He found Millie inspecting the wall by the hearth in the drawing room, Miss Rosalie by her side taking notes. Janet and Julia stood talking to one side. "He didn't even look sad," said Janet heatedly, plucking at the cuff of her sleeve, a sure sign that she was really agitated. "His own wife!"

"I think he was in shock, dear," Millie said absently. "No physical affects on the room," she said aside to Miss Rosalie.

"_I_ think he was more concerned about his bruised nose than he was about her," sniffed Julia.

"Now now, girls," her mother said, finally turning her full attention to them. "We don't know anything about him. For all we know, the more unconcerned he acts the more concerned he is. I happen to know someone like that." She gave them a pointed look, and caught sight of Cat. "What a relief, Cat! Finally someone remotely removed from the problem. Come over here, maybe you can make something of this." She indicated the area in front of the fire-place, waving him over. "Tell me what you see here. Use your witch-sight."

Cat sighed, but complied, with a little difficulty, while Janet and Julia stopped their rant and looked on with interest. "It… looks as if someone sort of ripped the air. Like they forced their way in. There are shreds of castle spells around it, too, and also someone else's."

"Christopher said it looked much like the way he used to travel between worlds," Millie murmured to Miss Rosalie, who scribbled on her notepad some more.

"What happened?" asked Cat impatiently, unable to remain in the dark any longer.

"We had some… unexpected guests. And one of them just got snatched right from under our noses. Her husband's around here somewhere—oh, I asked Bertrand to show him to a spare room. Cat, do you think you could see if he needs anything? I don't think we should leave him alone right now."

* * *

So Cat found himself standing at the door to the second-best spare room with a tray of tea and a bottle of brandy for good measure, for a strange man who apparently had teleported right into the middle of the castle. Klartch had scrambled off some time ago to find whatever the most exciting thing that was happening, leaving him alone to do it. 

He knocked softly on the door, and a little more firmly when there was no answer. He couldn't hear any sound from within when he placed his ear to the door. With a little hesitancy and a resigned, "Why me?" he entered.

He stepped into a silence barrier so strong it made him feel like his entire head was stuffed with cotton. Adjusting the tray to his right hand, he swept the spell away with his left. He was surprised and a little chagrined at how difficult he found it.

The man was by the large four-poster bed, leaning seemingly casually against the bed-post; but the hand wrapped around it was white, and he was shaking. His entire being drooped: his blonde hair seemed lank and disheveled, and his clothes practically wilted on his body. Cat jumped horribly when the man emitted a hoarse sob, and he realized he was _crying_.

Cat stood in awkward horror, completely blank as to what to do. He never seen a man cry before, and he was uncomfortable enough when _girls_ cried. He edged further into the room and into a position to better see the man's face, footsteps muffled by the thick burgandy carpet. He was definitely crying. His green eyes were glassy with tears and a heartbroken expression was on his face, and his left hand was fisted over his heart as if in physical pain. He seemed completely unaware that there was someone else in the room. Cat was reminded of when Janet had come back from her own world for good, sobbing her eyes out, and he did the only thing he could think of: he conjured a handkerchief right in front of the man's nose.

The man blinked at it, and his glazed eyes wandered over to Cat's. He looked from him, back to the handkerchief, to him again, and suddenly seemed to come to a decision. "Thank you," he said, and snatched the handkerchief out of the air, but didn't use it. Instead strode purposefully from the room, a determined look on his face, mingled with a half-crazed sort of desperation that made Cat follow quickly after him. "Where are you going?" he called out in growing alarm. The man walked briskly and was much taller, and Cat had to trot to keep up, which left him with little breath for questions for the rest of the trip. They finally stopped at the bottom of the huge marble stairs, right before the large pentacle that was used for other-world travel.

"This should do," the man said.

"Do for wha—"

The man uttered a word that was muffled by a huge clap of thunder and a momentary burst of wind tousled the draperies, immediately followed by a crash and deafening silence.

Cat found himself lost for words. Chrestomanci found them for him.

"You summoned a house. In my foyer."

There was indeed a house standing serenely before them; actually, Cat thought it looked more like a small castle. He could see oddly placed spires up towards the roof, and it was built of blackish stone blocks that reminded him more of a fortress than a homely cottage. He turned to Chrestomanci to ask how it was done, got one good look at the enchanter, and edged a good few feet away from the man at his side.

The enchanter was the most imposing Cat had ever seen him, even when he had turned Euphemia into a toad. He seemed to have gained a good three feet, his dark eyes flashed brightly, and he didn't bother to look vague anymore, which Cat found worse than when he did. Millie, Janet and Julia came rushing from the drawing room and all did much the same as Cat had just done, edging closer to each other and farther from the man. Chrestomanci started with a sharp, "Howl Jenkins—"

But Howl Jenkins fully ignored him, tearing down the last few steps and ripping the door open. Cat, Chrestomanci, Millie, Janet, and Julia followed. Roger had given one look at Howl's tear-tracked face and retreated hastily to the shed to tinker with his latest magical machine.

"Calcifer!" Howl strode straight to the fireplace, taking a poker and stirring the logs viciously. "Calcifer, you'd better be in there, you lazy sparkler! Wake up!"

The embers glowed brighter, and a spark rose into a flame—a flame with a mouth and two bright eyes. Julia gasped, Janet said, "Eep!", and Millie murmurred, "How fascinating." Chrestomanci said nothing, but Cat could see him ticking off another item on the "Things to Bind Howl Jenkins' Powers for": summoning a fire demon. Well, more like summoning a house that _contained_ a fire demon.

"What?" snapped the fire demon, sounding like popping wood.

"Take it back."

The flame rose higher, and a little wavering bit of orange piqued in what Cat assumed to be a raised eyebrow. "You look awful. Have you been drinking again?"

"No I haven't been drinking," Howl snapped angrily, "Pay attention. Take it back!" His voice broke, and he slumped to his knees.

"What are you talking about? Where's Sophie? Get her to straighten out whatever melodrama you've worked yourself into this time."

Howl had apparently stopped listening to the fire. "I don't want it any more. I can't take it; it hurts too much." He clutched at his chest again; Calcifer eyed the action sharply.

"You want me to take your heart back?" he asked in astonishment. Julia and Janet exchanged confused glances, and Chrestomanci's eyes grew even brighter, if that was possible. He had gone back to being vague though, which eased Cat considerably (which he had never thought he'd feel). Millie placed a hand on her husband's shoulder.

"Yes, I want you to take my heart back! I can't—" a large tear dripped off the end of his nose—"I can't do this anymore."

"Will one of you make yourselves useful and find Sophie, whoever you are?" Calcifer snapped at the gaping onlookers.

"Sophie's _gone_!" Howl screamed. "Gone."

Cat felt a chill go through him. The shadows in the house lengthened and loomed around them. Howl's face stood out glowing pale in stark contrast to the sinister murk, and his hair slowly faded to a deep black. Janet and Julia drew closer to Millie, Millie drew closer to Chrestomanci, and Cat regretted very much being in the front and thusly not able to easily draw near to anyone.

"Oh no," Calcifer wheezed, drawing back into the fireplace. "Howl, no. Stop it. Howl, stop! Come on, not the spirits of darkness. Wouldn't you rather just slime the place instead? Howl, if you don't stop I'll go away and never come back. I'm serious. I'm going up the chimney right now and out of your life forever. We'll get Sophie back, I promise, Howl, just stop."

"No we won't." Howl's voice was an empty whisper; Cat barely heard it over the low moaning and keening that had arisen around them. "You don't understand. It wasn't working. None of it was working, nothing I tried, even the slightest bit. I didn't tell Sophie because I didn't want her to lose hope. I had to be strong for her, because she was so worried." There were dark shapes darting around them now, with hazy monstrous outlines.

Calcifer blazed up abruptly, like a roaring red demon, which of course is what he was. "_Howell Jenkins_!" he shrieked. "You shut up and stop feeling sorry for yourself right now! Do you have any idea what Sophie would say to you if she found you sulking and slithering-out instead of saving her?! We _will_ find Sophie _and_ all the others, and you _will_ stop being so self-pitying, because I say so!"

Howl blinked, and jerked away from the sparks flying from the furious blaze. The room rapidly fell back into its normal state of warm dimness. A universal sigh of relief wafted aroud the room. Cat rubbed his arms and relaxed muscles he didn't know he had tensed.

"I'm sorry," said Howl, sounding wretched. "I just… I don't know what to do. It was so much _easier_ being heartless. I could just run away and never come back."

"But you don't really want to leave Sophie, or Morgan or Lettie or Ben," Calcifer said. "And anyway, I don't think I could take your heart back. It belongs to someone else now."

"That's so romantic," Janet sighed. "But what are you talking about?"

"I'd have to second that question," Chrestomanci agreed casually, with masses of meaning behind it.

"It's really not any of your business," Howl said, rising and dusting himself off. "Now I've got your ash on my sleeves," he muttered sulkily to Calcifer, pinching on of the sweeping fold of cloth between his fingers to inspect it. The fire demon ignored him.

"When it comes into my home and endangers my household it becomes my business," the nine-lived enchanter replied evenly.

Howl gave the entire assembly a stubborn look, but most of all Chrestomanci. Cat felt the tingle of magic dance over his skin, and could practically see the challenge darting between the two magic users.

"I'll uh, I'm going to check on Klartch, I'll be in the… kitchen!" he said to no one in particular, and beat a hasty retreat.

"It's just getting interesting!" Janet hissed to him as he passed. He gave her a pitying look.

"Where have you dragged me to, anyway?" asked Calcifer, interrupting the glaring match.

"Someplace called Chrestomanci Castle," Howl replied, turning to the fire demon and pretending to ignore Chrestomanci. "They think very highly of themselves here."

Calcifer spluttered and hissed. "_Chrestomanci Castle_?! Do you have any idea where you _are_, boy? Chrestomanci is the most powerful magic user in the worlds!"

Howl shot him a glower. "Uh, _one_ of the most," Calcifer amended. Chrestomanci looked affronted.

"Megan!" Howl exclaimed suddenly, and tore up the stairs.

"Where is he off to now?" asked Julia.

"To check on his sister," Calcifer said, shaking his head. "That boy has the attention span of a turnip." But he lifted himself from the logs and wafted over to wait at the foot of the stairs. Minutes later Howl came down them at a much more sedate pace. "Well?" the fire demon asked.

"I think they're out," Howl said, a crease of worry between his brows. "The cars are gone." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe I should put some wards around the house, just to be safe."

They were interupted once again by the appearance of Klartch. The dog-sized creature came sliding into Julia's legs, having had trouble finding traction on the marble floor to help him stop. He blinked innocent gold eyes up at them, and gave an appreciative twirring _whoo_ at his surroundings. "Cat was right; there really _is_ a house in the foyer."

"Castle," corrected Howl. "It's a castle."

Chrestomanci sidestepped to avoid the griffin's gyrating tail. "Where is Cat?"

* * *

**AN:** Strange place to stop, but their's a reason for it. Even more of your favorite characters to be involved in the next chapter. I think. 

Well, I'm off to see Pirates 3.

Hey, does anyone know any obscure Welsh curses I could use?


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Before I say anything, I must warn you. This is a very short chapter. I'm sorry. I'm doing the exact things that frustrate me most: slow updates and short chapters. But I was able to come up with a very good reason after I though really hard ;). And that is: I can't continue past this point until I read Deep Secret, The Merlin Conspiracy, and a few others. You do the math to find the reason. It's staring you in the face.

So anyway, I wasn't gonna update at all, but then I saw that I was favorited by seven people!! You like me! You really really like me!

Again, thanks to my faithful reviewers (in reverse order): Elven Bunny and the Butterfly Lion, blackmunji (who was too lazy to log-in, so thanks for the review and I'm laughing my head off at that insult!), demon sloth, toasty fresh, who once again gave me great criticism, Araminta18, the-rainbow-dreamer, and laal ratty. Look, it's a full three and a quarter lines of reviewers!

**Disclaimer:** So, I was reading this book, and like, I looked at the top and it said "by Diana Wynne Jones" and I was all like, "Wow! That is totally not my name!"

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Chapter 3: In Which We Realize with Dread that the Author was Indeed not Lying About Being so Bi-Polar with Her Updates, and that She Loves to be Favorited. Also, in which Chrestomanci Declares War

Cat breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the banister for support. After the cramped, magically charged house-in-the-middle-of-the-foyer, the normally stifling air of the castle felt refreshingly light. "I need tea," he said to no one in particular, and set off to get just that.

He came across Klartch on the way. The young griffin was practically vibrating with excitement. "No one will let me anywhere interesting!" he huffed to Cat.

Cat directed him to the foyer to get rid of him. He usually didn't mind Klartch when he was in an overexcited mood, but right now he could feel a headache creeping behind his eyes.

Ironically, the kitchen, usually the most bustling part of the castle at any given time, was empty. Cat savored the silence, and set about heating water.

He was steeping the leaves, and hoping that the strange wizard would leave soon, or at least stop provoking Chrestomanci, when he felt a rush of magic behind him. Instinctively he dashed forward, away from it—it had a tangible unfriendliness about it. He'd gotten two magic-aided steps when his left hand was seized and twisted behind him painfully. Something else—something cloaked in an invisibility spell—clapped firmly over his mouth, and whatever held him started dragging him roughly back towards the source of the magic.

He dug in his heels; the invisible thing lifted him so his feet were dangling inches from the floor. With his free hand he flung out a rope of magic and coiled it as best he could around the counter nearest him. If it had been his left hand, he knew nothing would've been able to move him; but it was his right. The rope slipped between his fingers, burning him with the friction. He caught a glimpse, out of the corner of his eye, of a rip in the air just like the one in the drawing room, getting closer. He tightened his grip on the rope, and managed to wrap it around his wrist once. His left hand was completely numb, but his arm burned. The hand on the rope started to slip.

The door to the kitchen swung open. "Cat, you can't disappear on me at a time like—" Chrestomanci made a noise very unlike anything Cat had ever heard from his mouth before, and in the blink of an eye had lassoed his apprentice firmly with his own magic rope. The nine-lived enchanter gave a grunt of irritation, leaning against the pull of the _something_ mightily. Then his shoes started slowly but surely sliding forward.

Howl marched in behind Chrestomanci, his mouth open in rebuke. He gave the scene a once-over: Cat thrashing against what seemed to be nothing, said nothing dragging him towards a familiar rent in the air, Chrestomanci trying to drag him back and having little to no effect. "Is this some sort of strange version of Cowboys and Indians?" he asked cheekily, eying Chrestomanci's lariat.

"If you insist on staying here, make yourself _useful_," Chrestomanci bit out through gritted teeth.

Howl gave him an offended look, and flung his arms out, booming an indistinguishable word. For a moment nothing happened. Then Cat came shooting through the air to land in a heap on top of Chrestomanci, and the malevolent magical presence abruptly disappeared.

"That," grunted Chrestomanci, with an accusing look at the rent, "was planned." He rose, smoothing a hand over his rumpled suit. The creases immediately melted before Howl's appreciative eyes; Chrestomanci smoothed his hair back with an annoyed air. "That's it. This means war."

* * *

**AN: **Like I said, short. Thanks for reading anyway.

Question: whenever I load a document into my document manager, it always disappears after I upload it as a chapter. Is it supposed to do that? I think it is...


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